Becoming a Military Spouse…

My husband I were married for about 5 years before I really started to think of myself as a Military Spouse.  I know that sounds weird because, of course, I was a Military Spouse – he was/is in the Military and I was/am his Spouse but I really didn’t identify with that label until we moved overseas.  To be honest, I didn’t really have any idea what it took to be a Military Spouse.

When I think back to our wedding day I know that I was proud to become his wife and I was and am very proud of the job that he does in the Royal Navy but I still felt like the label of Military Spouse was one that didn’t quite belong to me yet.  When we lived in Scotland, we were very fortunate to never have to face a move as a family until the move to America in 2018.  My husband had several different postings but they were all in Rosyth or Helensburgh, both just about driveable from our family home.  We never experienced life ‘inside the wire’ on a base and I only really knew one or two other spouses so it just felt like another world I didn’t need to be a part of.

Even when he was due to be posted to a ship we got incredibly lucky and he was posted to one of the aircraft carriers being built in Rosyth so he didn’t actually sail with her and he got to come home to us every night.  I’m sure there is still a part of him that would have liked to get his first choice and sail around the Antarctic but I think family time helped ease the pain of missing out on penguins!

The other reason that I didn’t particularly feel like a military spouse was that we didn’t really get involved in many of the Navy functions.  We only really attended one dinner in the Mess – a Burns Supper.  That was also our first night away after our first child was born and my first proper hangover in almost two years! Certainly one to remember…

When we moved to Pennsylvania I felt like I grew into being a Military Spouse.  The first real network of friends I made were an awesome group of International Military Spouses (see Finding Our Village) and suddenly we all had shared experiences and an understanding of what it takes to move your whole family thousands of miles away from home.  I finally felt like I had something in common with other Military Spouses.

Since then I have also become part of another Military Spouse group and I have connected with so many Military Spouses on Instagram that I kind of feel part of the gang at last.  I know many Spouses feel irritated by the term ‘dependents’, which is how we (and any kids) are often referred to, particularly when it comes to visas, etc.  I can see why, because Military Spouses are a strong breed and have to deal with a lot very much INdependently of their spouse.  

3 black rucksacks on the floor
Bags packed for deployment

Most Military Spouses will have to deal with a deployment at some stage and whether that means suddenly living alone or suddenly being a single parent, it is a tough adjustment.  Add into that worry about what your spouse is experiencing and any danger they might be in and it can be very challenging to navigate your way through a deployment.  I know many people who have been pregnant or even given birth without their partner by their side and I can’t imagine what it takes to get through something like that. These people are clearly not ‘dependent’ on their spouse, they have amazing strength and can manage just about anything that is thrown at them.

Personally, I don’t mind the ‘dependent’ label quite so much.  I know that in our family, my husband and I are a team and are dependent on each other in various different ways.  For a start, I am dependent on him for the money to keep our family in clothes and water because I am not doing any paid work while we are in the USA. At the same time, he is dependent on me to keep on top of the ‘household admin’ and organise the kids’ busy social calendars! I guess we are also both dependent on the Navy deciding where and when we will go next.  My kids and I wouldn’t be in the USA right now if it weren’t for my husband and his job in the Navy so it doesn’t bother me too much to be labelled his ‘dependent’.  

We are dependents in some ways but most certainly not in all!


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5 thoughts on “Becoming a Military Spouse…

  1. I never thought of it this way! All dependant on each other! 😍 X x


  2. Linda McNaught 10th Jan 2020 — 1:16 pm

    Families soldiering on together I think just doing different roles in
    Protecting the world !


  3. I feel this so much… met my husband in England so didn’t feel like a military spouse at all because I still had my job, my friends, family, my own life…. we also didn’t take part in squadron events. Fast forward 3 years later when we moved to the US. And now I feel like my life is defined by being a military spouse because every time I open my mouth ANYWHERE I get asked “oh cool accent! Where you from? What you doing here” and have to explain at least twice a day (in supermarkets, at the doctors, petrol stations, pet shop) that I’m married to someone in the USAF and tbh I’m just tired of explaining it because it keeps reminding me I’m only here because of my husband. I haven’t yet found proper work (I’m just doing some adhoc dog walking so I’m only interacting with dogs!) so I don’t feel fully integrated yet. We still don’t really do any on base events as we chose to live 50 mins from base, but we have started taking part in fitness classes and doing some volunteering for the homeless so I’m definitely trying to integrate here in NJ!


    1. OMG yes!! I get that all the time – sometimes people just ask me to ‘say something’ to hear my accent. I can never think of anything interesting to say when I’m put on the spot! People here really do love a British accent! On the plus side, I do feel like being part of a Military Family does carry slightly more weight here than in the UK. Discounts everywhere for a start. Someone once told me that you just need to say yes to all social invitations/opportunities, no matter how introverted you feel, until you find ‘your people’. Any time you want to chat with an ‘online friend’, happy to!


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